If there's anything I've learned

Okay so I started writing this yesterday during what became a bit of a drunken meltdown. generally it's much better to update this blog after and not during or right before that kind of episode. I feel a bit clearheaded now so it's a much better time to write a life update.

My childhood friend passed away in the weekend from a brain tumour. she lived a year longer than expected. I hadn't talked to her for years but her parents are very close to my family, so that's how I knew about it all. She had just become a doctor and had a seizure during her first conference. I wish it somehow made me cherish my own life, because it's not fair that she should lose everything at the best time in her life while I'm actively despising mine.

On another note, I joined some of the sumud flotilla protests here and there, I don't really have a grasp on who's organising what here since I literally arrived in the city like a week ago. And as always there's 15 cameras on everyone at all times which had me think. hmm i'm sort of lowkey working in the field of diplomacy now, maybe my face shouldn't appear in the anarchist parade? and then i also thought why the fuck do i even care about that suddenly?

Which brings me to my current huge frustration that I've sort of """succeeded""" in the sense that i'm on a good path to entering a career. but i actually fucking hate it here. I don't think I was ever meant for this environment and that I should most definitely have been an artist of sorts. But then on the other hand, i can't be an artist if i never create anything. and the centre of all this is really that the institutional world validates me and pats me on the head for writing good papers and project applications etc. all while i'm going insane but like, in a high-functioning way. meanwhile creating art has always been a very lonely and perverted affair. I don't know where I'm going with this actually, I'm just fucking pissed. Pissed that my teen years were lonely and completely pointless and that being weird and mentally ill has just led to me sitting alone every evening staring at a blank canvas instead of being in some kind of creative community where i don't feel like i have to hide everything i make.

But that's enough self-pitying because all of this is my own fault and I could literally just do something about it. also i need to stop being a bitch because i'm getting pretty old. So I'll move on to something else which is, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, a

✳ Projects update

I've added a development diary of sorts to the project page. It revolves around my attempt to build an adventure game. Feel free to check that out! It doesn't have a title or a timeline or anything yet, it's just something for me to do in the long-term to I don't become a total lunatic.

It's fucking rough these days! I recently graduated (hooray) but I had missed every deadline due while I was preparing for my thesis defence and now I'll be homeless and broke as I move countries (again again again) so that blows lol. I had some nice days recently seeing old friends and being with family so that was fun at least. No high hopes for the upcoming months but I hope it turns out well:(

✳ Projects update

I've finally added a link to a short graphic novel The Fjord House! You can grab it from the projects page.

It's been a couple years since finishing it and even longer since starting it, but I think I'll add a couple words about it anyway. I was in a strange place in my life when I wrote the story (relating mostly to a lot of hospital visits) and there's quite a lot of things I want to change about it, but well, there it is, untouched since. I wanted to write a story about compassion for the monstrous and repulsive, and about isolation. Besides that it's fueled by a strange feeling I got from replaying the zombie scenarios in Plague Inc (lmao), a bout of seasonal depression and the accompanying playlist. It was nice to see a manuscript through till the end and I'd say I learned quite a bit...:)

In other news...

I've taken a couple things off the projects page while I consider what to do with them. I'm not really sure what kind of media I want to use for storytelling, and have even been considering learning how to make a small game, or something interactive in general... And speaking of games, I watched a couple of videos on Hypnospace Outlaw recently, and as soon as I did, I found out that the sequel is cancelled:( I really, really wanted another story in that universe, so I'm pretty bummed out. But it also really refuelled my love for what we're all doing here on our websites and how expressive everyone are with their pages. I want to commit even more to using this space and I'd really like to connect more with indie web people!

lastly... I have an interview for another internship on wednesday. Not sure I really want it lol. I'm really disillusioned about the job market and at this point I'll end up unemployed with my arms crossed at the end of the summer. so we'll see how it goes....

Hi web! Still in thesis hell until August. But I finally fixed my site navigation. It's not optimal but I think it works now! (sounds of creaking and something falling from behind the curtains as I do a thumbs-up)

I'm on my desktop computer for the summer which means I get to procrastinate play some games again, I just finished kingdom come deliverance and looking forward to try the second game. I've been glued to Luke Dale's livestreams over the last couple months which got me really curious about the franchise.

I still have many things I want to do, so I need to learn how to keep creating things even while having a full time job:^( i've been fairly spoiled in regards to having time to do what I want so that's something I need to come to terms with haha..

Howdy web and long time no see, I'm taking a break from writing thesis (stupid stupid stupid) and thought it'd be nice to do a post for once.

I noticed a lot of new visitors on my grafittiwall, hi strangers and thanks for stopping by!:¬)

Not much else to report to be honest. Spring is here! the city looks so so nice these days, I'm thinking about finding a job here instead of moving (difficulty:hard). Whole last month I was either travelling or sick. I've thought about starting an architecture blog, but not sure where that will go yet lol.

also my dad sent me that ↓ song, I haven't stopped listening to this album since he sent it. it's so smooth and calming and just everything......life's good

Happy new years web! Finally did some big changes to this site I've been thinking about for a long time:')

I'm anxious for this year. At the end of the month I'm moving to another flat, which will be the first time I live completely alone. I'm still learning the language of this country and I'm a bit worried that I'll be lonely. Anyway, the last year was very good to me, I met a lot of new people, I felt better about myself in general, and I got to travel a lot. I want to create more and finish more of my own work this year, and especially I want to be more comfortable expressing myself. Wait, am I repeating myself on this blog?

Finally, I'm thinking of my dog back home with my family who died in August 2024. I miss him so terribly much. I want to make a shrine for him somewhere on this site, still thinking about how to go about it. I'm also hoping that eventually I can raise a new dog of my own, which is something I've been thinking about for years. I feel like people in my life situation aren't recommended to own a dog though...